Breakups, Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

Appreciating the little things with Stoicism and the Blue Dot Effect

Good evening, what did you accomplish today? It’s cool if you just relaxed, although I’m sure you can think of some achievement, no matter how small, if you really try. I’m recovering from sickness after a day of editing audio for the podcast and trying to squeeze in an article before I hit the maximum screentime that I’ll allow myself on a school night. This one is a bit of a downer, but I was determined to give it a positive spin. Shall we?

It’s taken me a quarter of a century, but I’m finally beginning to realise just how fortunate I am. Perhaps it’s the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, or maybe I’ve just been paying too much attention to everybody else all this time. Either way, I’ve noticed and I’m making it a point to document this epiphany for the same reason that I write in my journal whenever I get a deeply affecting compliment: so that I can turn to it in times of need. For context, I’m young, single and living back at home, which is an oddly ideal position to be in for freedom of choice. I’m working full-time, saving money and getting some exciting opportunities. I’m the happiest and healthiest that I’ve ever been, with a great circle of friends and a sense of purpose. I really can’t ask for more than that. But here’s the kicker: sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve it. I know, that’s only my self-doubt talking – and I appreciate your concern! Although, it got me thinking about the bitter irony of it all and why I might feel that way.

After recognising this watershed moment, I’m suddenly suspicious of being dangerously optimistic. Like things are going a little too smoothly and I’m long overdue for something to go wrong. The folks and I once drove from Brisbane to Hervey Bay in my car, which had a faulty transmission and slipped gears all the way home. After a lovely weekend of beautiful beaches and delicious food, we were struggling up steep inclines on a busy highway with the pedal to the floor. This kinda feels like that. However, when I think back to an event in my life that left me in tatters, it’s usually the result of something that I chose, like a breakup or regretting my annual KFC purchase, so I can’t cry woe is me. You know the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best? Well, I tend to make myself expect the worst so that any other outcome is a pleasant surprise to avoid being let down. Maybe that says something about my past relationships, but it’s always worked for me – until now.

My last breakup was messy and it took me a long time to move on. I had to rebuild my confidence and find things to distract myself from reliving it every day due to specific circumstances. It got to a point where I was bitter and angry about it years later and I needed help to deal with the resentment. So, I reached out to a counsellor who told me to “fill my cup” by focusing on myself and getting back to the activities that I enjoy. They suggested that I do at least three things that make me happy each day and write about them in a journal. Sound familiar? I also started making music again, created an album review video channel, began longboarding with my housemate regularly and joined a gym. It was such an obvious solution, but for some reason it never occurred to me from within that narrow mindset. Isn’t it funny how we only seem to remember the good times when we look back in moments of desperation, just as I’m searching for the seams in my current situation now?

But the same sentiment can also have the opposite impression, which I’ll link to another car analogy. When I was on my red P plates as a teenager, I was driving two of my best friends around in my 1975 Toyota Corolla one night for a joyride. We had the windows down, blaring tunes as a summer storm rolled in. Shortly after the rain hit, the engine of the little Red Rocket suddenly cut out on the main road. I put the hazard lights on and slowly pulled to the left as my friends jumped out to help steer it into an empty Aldi carpark. I called for roadside assistance at one in the morning and we waited shirtless in the pouring rain. A passing cop car stopped to check on us and one of the officers directed me to clean metal filings out of the distributor as my friends stifled laughter. Eventually, the tow truck arrived to take me home and the others caught an Uber, dripping wet in the backseat. What should have been a hopeless disaster ended up being one of the best nights of my life.

That same ex-girlfriend once told me that I look for problems when there are none, just to have something to worry about. My close friends also say that I have a hero complex. Maybe they’re right? The Blue Dot Effect – a 2018 study by Harvard researchers to identify inconsistencies in our perception – suggests that our minds can’t be trusted. They discovered that people misinterpret things when they grow accustomed to them, even going so far as convincing themselves of things that aren’t there. Mark Manson talks about this fascinating concept in a recent episode of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, which I highly recommend if you want life advice without the cringy stereotypes. The sad truth is that we believe what we are told and our memory is faulty, as confirmed by the related Mandela Effect. This leads to constantly moving the goalposts in our personal lives and broadening our idea of what satisfaction is until it eventually distorts. It seems that my irrational need to solve a problem is the problem.

Thankfully, there are ways to combat the Blue Dot Effect and hold yourself accountable in this modern age of corrupted complacency. I read the news online every morning to keep updated on the latest stories and events, but it also helps to put things into perspective. There are people across the globe fighting for their lives after their homes have been destroyed in war and natural disasters, yet here I am complaining about being too comfortable. It’s a good reality check. Conversely, I’ve learned that maintaining an active presence on social media can be detrimental, allowing us to create an augmented version of ourselves whilst constructing false narratives for others. It’s difficult not to compare yourself to the exploits of incredibly talented people, who are likely one of the best in their field, when it’s shoved in your face everywhere you turn. Sure, I still catch myself absent-mindedly doomscrolling on occasion, but I stop as soon as I realise it. Sometimes disconnecting is the best way to reset.

We are social creatures, after all, and nothing beats human interaction. In Stoicism, it’s common practice to ponder the inevitable deaths of your loved ones in order to appreciate them more while they’re still around. I randomly think of this from time to time and feel happy sad about it in a morbidly comforting kind of way. It could be after we’ve spent time together, when a poignant song comes on, or as I lay in bed at night chasing sleep. I try to use a similar approach to embracing my own mortality by being grateful for the little things. The mere fact that I draw breath and have free thought inspires me, although the fleeting nature of it can also feel arbitrary, which is paradoxically both crushing and liberating. This ancient philosophy also states that there are only three things within our control: our character, how we treat others, and our actions and reactions. Once you work that out, you’ve cracked the code to living a peaceful life. So, why worry about what you can’t control if it’s going to happen anyway?

Therein lies the issue with the predicament that I find myself in when things are good. I’m conscious of the fact that I’m just overthinking, and I’m aware of the methods to help circumvent this, yet I keep looking for something that needs fixing. So, I remember to count my blessings, every day, and never leave empty handed. I don’t have a lot, but it’s enough for me – and many are not so lucky. Like immortalising a touching gesture from another in ink, I write stuff down to make it tangible. I pull things out of my head and put them on paper to study them from all angles as part of my process. There’s no point in dwelling on the past because you can’t change it. You can prepare for the future, but you can’t plan it. All that you can do is be present and make the most of it. Someday I’ll (hopefully) be old, tired and slow, reminiscing of a simpler time with people I love in a house of my own. But I don’t let the impending steady decline deter me from enjoying it because I know that this, too, shall pass.

So, I do what I love and be thankful for the opportunity. I listen to music, watch a movie, read a book, see a friend, visit the beach, sip a coffee, eat an avocado. Anything that puts me at ease and reminds me to be grateful for this simple, beautiful life that I lead. I like that turn of phrase, leading a life. We are driven, but we are not passengers. We choose where we go and how we get there, but we’re also just along for the ride. We find meaning in our existence because we can’t comprehend that there is none. The amazing thing is that we make it meaningful. I already feel better as I’m publishing this. Ain’t that something?