Hey there! Can I tell you something? I like to think that I’m relatively approachable, although I know that I can give off don’t-talk-to-me vibes sometimes. That’s why I have a tattoo of a jellyfish with a heart on my sleeve: I may sting if you get too close, but I swear that I mean well! To prove that I care, I want to share some tried and true advice on talking to strangers that has helped me make friends under almost any circumstance.
As a socially anxious person who attracts likeminded introverts, navigating conversations with new people is a difficult task that forces me to step out of my comfort zone. The most reliable way to overcome this is to establish a rapport with them early on. I still stumble through my words quite frequently – you’ll know if you listen to my podcast – but I can be confident when I need to be, no matter how reserved I am that day. Have you ever found yourself in a situation with somebody whom you know nothing about for an extended period of time? Perhaps you’re meeting them for the first time at a party and your mutual friend has left you both to mingle for what feels like an age while they get a drink? Maybe your partner has invited you to a family dinner with that curious sibling whom you’ve heard so much about so that they can interrogate their potential in-law? Whatever the scene, we can rise to the occasion with a few nudges in the right direction to get the ball rolling.
I often address people as ‘my friend’, even complete strangers, and try to compliment them in some way when I first meet them. I shake their hand and look them in the eye, regardless of their gender or age, and call them by name at least once. This begins the interaction with an offering of respect that is usually reciprocated and makes it more valuable. Of course, it doesn’t work every time (some people are just arseholes) and there are moments when they simply don’t engage, but I like to keep it casual for a level playing field. Once the greeting is out of the way, we’re ushered into the banal and barren landscape of small talk, desperately searching for an escape as darkness descends. With the dead-end of the conversation fast approaching, fully aware of each other’s stance on the weather and cost of living, I pitch a curveball. They may not be ready and are struck dumb by the shift, or they could swing and miss in response, but the point is that I go for it.
It works more often than not, yet I’ve been caught out before when the stakes are high. I’m lucky to have met many artists whom I admire, either at shows or through the media publication that I write for, and I tend to gush about my appreciation for their work. I was put up in Byron Bay for a weekend to review a small music festival once and had the opportunity to interview headliners Middle Kids on the ground. It was one of my first, in person, and I was there alone with my pen and pad. I had no idea what kinds of questions to ask, or how much time we had, and I was still new to their music. The entire ordeal was wrapped up in less than ten minutes and I can’t even remember what was said. A year later, I got to tell City and Colour how much I adore his album Sometimes in an interview and he, too, referred to me as his friend. Whether it’s a family event or a fifteen-minute Zoom meeting with a celebrity, I try to follow these steps to keep on track and make it worth their time.
1. Ask them how they feel about something.
This could be their job, a hobby, where they live, what they’re eating/drinking, what they’re looking forward to. Invite them to open up a little and tell you more about themselves so that you can learn their history, opinions and values for further comment. Try asking things like ‘How did you get into that?’, or ‘What do you like most about it?’. Open-ended questions are the lifelines of awkward conversations. Start small and launch off the information that you’ve gathered from these observations then the rest should come naturally if they respond well. A good friend and I discovered a shared passion for horror movies on the day that we met after I mentioned that I was studying film at the time. He professed his love for The Shining, which led to discussions of Stephen King. Eight years later, he was a guest on the episode of Dead House that just dropped (he’s also the reason that I started a Substack).
2. Share a story about yourself with them.
If you’re comfortable enough with them to venture beyond mundane pleasantries, try regaling a personal anecdote to keep things interesting. Have you worked in the fast food industry too? Are you also hoping to travel abroad next year? Do you love Michael Crichton but hate that one film adaptation? Offer something of yourself that they can comment on with their own perspective to further the conversation. Just remember that there’s a difference between talking with somebody and talking to them. Practice active listening by letting them finish before interrupting and repeating parts of what they say back to them. This shows that you paid attention and they will be more inclined to engage because they feel heard. I learned that an ex-girlfriend whom I met in Brisbane had grown up in rural Victoria less than an hour from where I did after talking about a film that was set there.
3. Tell a joke to make them laugh.
Now that you have (hopefully) built trust between you and found some sort of common ground, don’t be afraid to have some fun with them. It may feel awkward at first, but laughing together often helps to take the edge off – they’re probably just as nervous as you! Remember that thing they said about growing up on a farm? Give ’em a little hell for it and back it up with a compliment if you’re not quite there yet (so as not to cause offense). Alternatively, I find that using self-deprecating humour and making a joke at my own expense is a pretty safe bet. However, this is not to be confused with simply putting yourself down – nobody finds that funny. The first time that I met my future stepdad, I said that he would like some corn when the food was being served because he was wearing a Korn shirt. Corny, I know (sorry, not sorry), but it broke the ice and we still communicate in puns today.
Meeting people can be scary, particularly if they’ve heard about you, yet most of us do it every day. It can’t be that hard, right? Even today, when I was getting a flu shot, an older gentleman sat beside me in the chemist and we got chatting away. Like I said, these tips aren’t guaranteed to work for everyone, every time, but they’ve certainly saved me more than once. First impressions last, so be honest and interesting and funny if you really want to make a connection with them. More importantly, be yourself. Who knows, they could be your new best friend.